Raihan was right

When my man Raihan heard I was having  baby, he wrote me a message that went basically:

“When you feel the rage and are about to do violence, just remember that you can put them (the babies) down anytime.”

Now when i read that I was shocked, because I couldn’t imagine ever really doing anything to hurt any baby let alone my own. It just sounded like the jaded advice of a frustrated man. But now I wonder if every dad who reads this is saying to themselves, yeah i have felt that.

and its not the baby per se that brings it on, but the whole package. Dadhood. And I am not talking about the beautiful things here, my son smiling, sleeping, showing off, showing love … nothing gives me more joy or elicits a more pure love than my sons.

but I also get furious. And full of impotent rage and frustration. I feel trapped in a dying man’s flesh, getting fatter, getting weaker, dick falling off muscles drooping; a high schooler could take me to the rim in a second. I don’t drink, barely smoke never have time to do a damn thing but work, take care of wifey and take care of kids.

“Didn’t you get into enough trouble when you were younger?”

It aint about enough. Cuz its not like there’s a meter with a little arrow hovering between “goodie two shoes” and “delinquent”

Its natural tendencies that get squashed in favor of other natural tendencies and being told in a round about way that those original tendencies were not only wrong but perverted, childish and destructive. Shit. Sounds like me.

Its that ancient male joke about sneaking off to play cards while the wife waits at home with a rolling pin. its the whole ball and chain routine. Its passive aggressive men and fearful dependent women and depression and happy time drugs and communication issues and “the future” and a certain class one aspires to, hangs out with, makes fun off, hates. Its figuring out whats for dinner when you’re brain is fried, the house is a wreck, the wife is stressed out and you still ain’t finished with your work.

Its the first 20 minutes of Shrek 4. The only reality worse for that ogre was one in which he didn’t exist.

So just an hour ago i reached that stage that Raihan mentioned to me and I just put the little one down and stood there breathing while his screams escalated.

He’s asleep now, obviously, so I haven’t become a child-eating lion just yet.


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Sascha Matuszak

One thought on “Raihan was right

  1. I can’t pretend to know how it is with men, but I have a very vivid memory of Alex screaming in my arms and me wondering if bashing his head into a wall would bring an end to that.
    My girlfriend tells me she used to envision spraying cleanser in her son’s face as she was cleaning the kitchen and he wouldn’t stop screaming.
    Neither one of us did those things, but we certianly felt capable. Walking away for a moment won’t scar a child for life – bashing their head into a wall probably will.

    Last night I said “fuck you” to my teenager. Actually, I screamed it. Parenting feels pretty thankless at times, unless I remember to be grateful – for all the positive things you mentioned above.
    “I love you mommy, I also love cheese” – those times are good.
    “Mom, I’m having sex and smoking pot, I would have told you sooner, but I didn’t think you could handle it” – those times suck.

    Ah…. Balance.

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